Due to the public’s persistent demand, our government has been compelled to create a new ministry – the Ministry of Bicycle Health. As you might expect, the ministerial position has already been filled by a loyal party soldier and devoted, selfless, heroic (cargo) cyclist, Pärtel Peeter. This decision was mandated by 70% of voters who have mastered the art of lip-reading. It is possible that there was a slight margin of error, precisely 0.00002%, in the percentage points, but the e-votes brought the total to an exact 70%. This figure is by no means random, as confirmed by S. Kallas’s thorough analysis. (For those unaware of who S. Kallas is, let us clarify: he is a highly erudite former quiz show host and the world champion of forgetting the whereabouts of 10 million euros of public funds.)
With the creation of this ministry, the Estonian people stand to gain manifold benefits. Specifically:
- Generators and electricity: All the nation’s treadmills will be equipped with dynamos. This ensures Estonia’s electricity supply during crises, particularly once Estonia disconnects from the Russian power grid.
- Fitness and drones: All walking and running tracks in gyms will be linked to treadmills, with motors removed. These motors will be redirected to the Ministry of Defense for drone propulsion systems. This allows us to send more drones to Ukraine and collectively defeat Putin.
- Cyclists to work: All fitness enthusiasts wishing to use walking tracks must hire a cyclist to pedal on the treadmill, ensuring its operation. The cyclist – referred to politically correctly as a “bicycle individual” – must be paid at least the minimum wage. From this wage, VAT, income tax, social tax, health insurance tax, equipment depreciation tax, unemployment insurance tax, and an additional car tax based on CO2 quotas are deducted. After all, people drive to gyms in cars, causing significantly more environmental damage.
- Wind farms and energy: A construction shed with a treadmill will be installed under every wind turbine, enabling loyal and enthusiastic Reform Party voters to generate energy by working out during calm weather. This plan has been endorsed by top specialists Mallukas, Pärtelpoeg, and Zevakin, who estimate that Estonia could produce so much electricity this way that it would supply all of Scandinavia. Within a few months, this would place Estonia among Europe’s five richest countries, as we could sell surplus electricity on the stock exchange.
- Cargo bike Olympics: Together with the recently elected president of the Estonian Olympic Committee, who is an avid cyclist himself, plans are underway to include new disciplines in the next Olympic Games: cargo bike freestyle, cargo bike marathon, cargo bike endurance race, cargo bike downhill skiing from ski jumps, and cargo bike slalom. Additionally, events like the cargo bike Estonia Rally, cargo bike Dakar, and cargo bike Formula 1 are being planned.
(!) To the cynics who might smirk at this serious news, we have a modest question: do you know any bailiffs? If not and you smirk too much, we’ll make an introduction – and then we’ll see who laughs last. Period!
/Margo Luarvik/
