At Toompea, starving Estonians have gathered for a protest to stand against the policies of the Reform Party – the sole ruler of Estonia – which has condemned the Estonian people to starvation. The crowd mainly consists of older people because the younger generation doesn’t have time. They’re glued to their phones, following who BSH, among married men, has slept with again, how many promilles were detected in Mullika’s blood after she promised never to be seen drunk again, and so on.
So, Toompea has become the stage for starving elderly protesters, whom the current Minister of Finance, someone named Jürgen, aptly described as “those bastards whining about Estonia being poor.”
What a surprise! The Estonian Defense Forces’ soup kitchen arrives on the square to offer hot soup to the freezing protesters. (It’s January, after all, with -10 degrees Celsius.) The people eat, praise the soldiers, and have no idea how much more exciting their day is about to get!
Shortly afterward, more Defense Forces troops arrive, acting on orders from the Reform Party-appointed Commander of the Defense Forces, to carry out exercises in suppressing “terrorist citizens.”
Water cannons, rubber bullets, and other means are deployed. Those protesters still standing are quickly rounded up by the police rapid response units and taken somewhere… perhaps to the Männiku quarry.
The next day, according to the latest Kantar Emor poll, the public learns that overnight, the Reform Party’s approval rating jumped by 5.4%. Once again, they are the most favored and loved party in Estonia.
How so, you ask? Quite simply, because the state’s official TV channels broadcast the message that the Estonian Defense Forces, alongside the police regiment, had neutralized a threat where pro-Putin, Russian-aligned insurgents tried to seize the independence of Estonia – the world’s most democratic country.
Following this, someone named Kallas – the supreme leader – receives a passionate kiss from Macron, along with an invitation to his mattress, a few awards, and Putin’s personal phone number so her husband can continue his business dealings, conveniently funded by the newly acquired prize money.
Thank God Estonia is still a country of rule of law and not the mess America has become after Trump took power!
/Margo Luarvik/
